Since when did technology become so naggy?
“Tsk, tsk! You haven’t put your seatbelt on…”, scolds Nanny car. “You should be ashamed of yourself…a man in your position with your responsibilities…”.
“Ping, ping, ping…the sidelights are still on! Really, you are becoming so forgetful these days. Incipient senility? Too many late nights? You know you shouldn’t have gone to that karaoke bar til 4am…What were you thinking? Are you sure you should be driving at all?”
And that’s before you’ve even made it into the house. But don’t expect any respite there.
“Bleep, bleep, bleep. Er…I’ve finished now, OK? Your dishes are sparkly clean. You can empty me whenever you like.”
“OK, thanks. Be right with you.”
“Bleep, bleep, bleep…I said I’ve finished now. Not sure you heard. Feel free to empty me…whenever you’re ready…don’t mean to hassle or anything…”.
“Yes, OK. I heard you. Take a chill pill. I’m just doing the SuDoKu….”
“Bleep…yes, I see, but the thing is…erm…you’re meant to open the door to let the steam out a bit? Helps the drying process…Just…if you were interested in doing things properly…that is.”
“Oh for goodness sake, shut up! I’ve only got a few numbers left and my delaying opening your precious door by a few minutes is unlikely to imperil western civilisation, all right?”
“Bleep…sorry I spoke. Just trying to help. Just doing what I was designed to do…”
“Oh, now don’t get all huffy on me please! You’re a machine…undoubtedly one of the greatest technological inventions ever…but you’re not my wife, so just drop it will you?”
“Bleep”
Then I make the schoolboy error of leaving the fridge-freezer door open a fraction of a second longer than I should have.
“Bong, bong, bong….Are you trying to kill all the polar bears you selfish git? Don’t you want your daughters to have a planet to grow up in? Shut the door now or we’re all going to DIE!!!”
The smoke alarm screams at me when I burn the toast. The computer barks that a ‘.dll’ file is missing but doesn’t think to tell me what to do about it. My mobile keeps whingeing at me to do stuff I already knew I had to do. And the answering machine flashes: “You’ve got messages! Listen to them! Listen to them now! Now I said…you lazy inefficient bastard!!!!”
Run. Run out the door. Leave every gadget behind. Go and watch the deer in the park.
It’s peaceful there.